You know how in life you walk through your days thinking you're "OK" and then all of a sudden you realize that it's just a big cover up? I had quite a break though yesterday. Well, I guess you could call it a breakthrough. I have been walking around in such a funk- more like an apathy for the past few days. I went to acupuncture yesterday and she stuck a needle in me that really stung. I asked what that point was and she simply stated, "Grief" I just about lost it. I realized that this donor cycle has actually unearthed all that stuff that I haven't dealt with- specifically my miscarriage 3 years ago. It was a spontaneous pregnancy- one that I never expected when Squirt was 5 months old. We were in shock feeling like this could actually be a true miracle. When we went to have our u/s and saw the hb we thought it just couldn't be real. At 8 weeks our baby was gone. It was a cruel, cruel thing that happened to us. Truth is, I buried it way, way deep. I think I am finally forced to face what happened to us. This makes me more and more terrified for this cycle because I feel like I have been robbed of the joy of a positive pregnancy test, seeing a hb and everything else that goes with it. In actuality all "infertiles" have been robbed of some joy that non-infertiles are "allowed" to feel. We have a fear that others don't.
DH and I had a long, long talk this morning and he was talking about the future as if this is really, really going to work- labor and delivery, bringing a baby home and I just started sobbing at the actuality that what I have been dreaming about may just come true. It's simply overwhelming to me. I honestly feel that me processing this grief right now is very, very good for me. I feel almost cleansed and I feel connected to my husband in a different way. I have started actually talking about my fears and feelings and it feels good. One day at time and that is really what I am going to do.
All of this is really coming out physically too. I left work at 10am with a screaming migraine and I am just now (415) feeling some relief. What a day.
Sorry for the poor me post but it is so theraputic to talk it out.
danielle
Pit Stop
14 years ago
4 comments:
First of all, just a giant ~hugs~ for you. I understand how you feel robbed of seeing a BFP, the u/s, the labor, the birth. Although you have a child, you didn't get to experience that. And when you got pregnant on your own you only got to have the first few things.
I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel the emotions. As you know I was in my own funk this week and I cried a lot. I think it was necessary to let it all out and get on with the current plan.
Looking at your TTC history, you have a lot riding on this. And I'm sure the emotions run deep. I hope nothing but the best for you with this cycle. Of course that goes without saying, but damn. It's about time the world gives you a cookie. You deserve this.
Oh sweetie :hugs:.
You've had a long road to get here and I can't imagine how you feel. It's good to let it out and deal w/ the emotions. Don't forget that this will be a completely different experience on a lot of levels. I'll be keeping everything crossed for you!
I am sad for your grief, but happy that you are dealing with it. I wish you healing and a healthy pregnamcy.
I know how it feels when all those negative feelings of grief coming creeping up out of nowhere. Feelings you thought you had gotten over or dealt with pop up and you just feel down. I get it from time to time, and I still cry my eyes out, but it passes.
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