Update

Yeah, it's taken me too long to update on my f/u with my RE but lately it's just been easier for me to not think about anything.
The appt went well overall and I just love my RE. He is wonderful with an amazing bedside manner. He's methodical and scientific and straightforward but he does it with such compassion. All REs should really be like him.
Anyway, the end of it all is basically I fell into the 30% that don't get pregnant. There were some things he changed for next cycle if I decide to have one. I was taking flax seed for my lining- bad idea as it could have messed up the absorption of the Estrace I was taking and could have caused issues with my E2 levels. My second E2 level showed a drop and this could have been why. They increased my Estrace after that but I shouldn't have been taking the flax seed as it contains lot of estrogen and should not be taken when on the Estrace. So I won't be doing that next time. We talked about the transfer- I have a tricky cervix so they do the best they can to make it as easy as transfer as possible which they did. My bladder could have been too full which could press and vibrate on the uterus making not the most friendly environment for a transfer. Also, they are giving me Valium next time. There may not be evidence that it relaxes the uterus but it will relax me and that's really what counts. My lining looked great and basically could not have been better. Yes, there was a drop in E2 but my lining kept thickening which is why they wern't concerned. We'll stick with the pills for the FET but on day 12 if my E2 is not good we will either scrap it and start again or do the estrogen shots for another 6 days and see if my E2 goes up. He also got me with a surprise endometrial bipsy. Yikes. Not fun but if we wanted to cross out T's and dot our and make sure there is no inflammation. It hurt and I still don't feel right 5 days later. Boy did I cramp for a couple of days after. Results should be in tomorrow or so but I'm telling you there is nothing there.
So, I asked about immune issues and he agreed it was a good question but does not feel it's my issue. Most if these immune issues manifest themselves with rejection of the placenta or protein or something and since I don't have a placenta he doesn't think that's my issue. My gut tells me it's not too but really, what do I know?
He also talked about possible issues with sperm. So he compared my cycles with embryos compared to this donor cycle. What a freaking difference. I mean there just wasn't any comparison.This alone was enough evidence to rule out sperm issues.
So, why didn't it work? Luck? Bad luck? This has to be it. I asked him what we are really doing different this next cycle? His answer- different embryos. Makes sense. The ones they put back for the FET could be the ones that would have worked had they put that one back during the fresh transfer. You just don't know.
I still don't know if I want to even do this again. We have 5 really good frosties but I don't know if I can take the pain again if it doesn't work. It's been really, really hard and so painful. I pray that somehow the answer comes to me. I am waiting until we go to Aruba in December to talk to DH about all of this. Lots of alcohol and the beach may bring me some clarity. For the first time in my life I really feel like I could just walk away from it all and be OK. I just hate the "what if's?"

I also need to stop looking up FET success rates and FET stories as it freaks me out when I see how many don't work. If any of you know of any DE or regular FET success stories I would really love to hear about them.

Thanks everyone for your constant support. It means the world.

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Appt today

Well, I have my follow up today with my RE. I have questions for him like immune issues, thaw rate, getting me off the horrid PIO and alternatives, why did this happen, how did this happen, is all hope lost, can this work, should I just give up now, how broken am I and how are you going to make this work for me? Poor guy has no idea what he is getting into. DH will be there with me and will of course, be the voice of reason. I am going into it with no expectations and maybe I'll leave there hopeful for the future. Imagine being hopeful again...
The past few days have found me actually returning to some sense of normalcy. Living and appreciating what I have and trying to push the angry thoughts out of my head. At times I think about what happened and it really knocks the wind out of me. I have always been so good at pulling up my boot straps and moving on to my next step. This one hasn't been like that for me. It really, really threw me for a loop and I hate it. I hate being irritable and emotional and just sad. It affects my family and Squirt so much.
I haven't spoken to my brother since everything happened. It all started b/c he sent me a nasty email about not calling first thing in the am for my nephews bday. Sorry, I had kind of a lot on my mind that day and he knew it. I did call early that morning but no one was home. I told him that and he answered back, "What's the matter with you? You'll just have to try again!" Pure ignorance. I told him he was insensitive and that he really, really hurt me. He said, "Don't you think that is a bit much?" Yeah, so he apologized but I am still not speaking to him. It's just too raw for me to forgive.
If nothing else this process has shown me how in love with my family I am especially my husband and daughter. She may very well end up being an only child but she'll never be "just" our only child. She'll be loved beyond words and when she grows up she'll know how hard we tried to give her a sibling. Knowing her, she won't care either way because she will have had a wonderful, fulfilling life.
I have held up on my promise to cook every night. As much as I find Rachel Ray annoying her recipes are fantastic. For some reason cooking and cleaning takes the edge off of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis. I guess it's a control thing and it makes me feel like I can do something good for my family.
To all you laides out there who are doing well and getting positive betas I truly am happy for you. My comments have been few and far between and I apologize. I'm just trying to get through the day. I am still reading and still praying for all of you.
The other day I started reading scripture on line hoping to get closer to God in an attempt to understand why all this happens. This wa sthe prayer for the day...

"Lord Jesus, may I never fail to recognize your love and mercy toward me. Fill my heart with gratitude and thanksgiving and free me from pride, discontentment, and ingratitude. Help me to count my blessings with gratefulness and to give thanks in all circumstances."

I thought it was perfect.

Until later-

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Getting Better

Every day I wake up and my heart gets a little lighter. To me, there is just nothing worse than a heavy heart. It is so, so painful. I still open my eyes in the morning and feel the pain and then I remind myself where the pain is coming from. I slunk downstairs hoping that the day ahead is not filled with as much inner turmoil as the previous day. I pray for clarity and understanding of what I/we are dealing with. I usually ask the Lord why he tasks me with such burdens and why is it that I can't want more than what my life has already given me. Then I remember what a short time we all have on this planet and really, is living it like this worth it?
Next, I usually get to the part where I feel so guilty that Squirt may be an only child. Will she be lonely? Will she wonder why we couldn't give her more? Of course, my mind then switches to the fact that I shouldn't be putting my guilt on her. I need to stop transferring my pain to her. I think of how I will tell her that we did everything possible to give her that brother or sister and it just wasn't in our cards. We were meant to be a family of three. Then comes the guilt and helplessness associated with all the money we spent- almost $17,000 on the adoption and $20,000 for the donor cycle. All for nothing. This is what kills me the most and makes me most anxious. Yes, we knew there were risks. The reason we went to adoption #2 was because it was 100% but who knew the agency was not going to do anything for us? We can't possibly have known that. We're not in debt, we have a beautiful home and good jobs and most everything we want but I just wish we had another baby to show for it.
I don't hold out much hope for the FET so I'm coming to terms now with it being the three of us. This by no means is a bad thing, it's just a change of thought process. I have been blessed beyond words with my daughter. She is the light of my life and my world. I get to be Mommy and even better I get to be her Mommy. Is it bad for me to just want more?
We have our follow up on Friday and I have some questions for him. I need them to be more aggressive and I need them to make this work for me. If it doesn't so it shall be I guess. I'd love one day to just wake up and be content with where my life is. I'm not there yet and it's a terrible feeling. Each day does get better though and that is surely encouraging.

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I'm here

I'm here and I'm alive and I am thankful for the community of all of you who have surrounded me with love and support.
I am empty and just so, so sad. I'll try to write when I am feeling stronger.

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It's Over

Beta is less than 5. Follow up on 11/14 at 3pm. I never, ever thought I would be here. I guess I figured I should have known that I would fall on the bad side of the statistics. How could I have been so naive as to think that this would actually work for me? I might as well have used my own eggs for all this was worth. I am just so devastated.
I know I have Squirt and I thank God for her but she isn't a consolation prize. Why shouldn't I be able to have more? Why shouldn't I just be able to get a break when it comes to my body? I just feel so broken. I feel as though I am going to have to forever walk this earth with a giant hole in my heart that will never be filled. I am so, so angry and tired and just empty.
We still have 5 grade 1 and 2 frozens left (8 cell) but the success rate is lower for an FET than a fresh so I could just be facing more and more failure. DH told me that he would actually rather not do anything b/c every time we get a negative result another piece of me breaks off. God I am such a huge failure as a woman.

Totaly negative HPT

I am just numb.

Beta Tomorrow

I called my clinic yesterday asking if they could move my beta up a day to 11/3 instead of 11/4. These shots are giving me some serious trouble and if it's negative one less shot is worth it. If it's positive then I am going to talk to my RE about alternatives. I've had 5 days of butt shots and my left side is red, swollen and lumpy and I'm not even using the oil. The right side is OK but a big shelf like lump formed to the left of the injection site. I don't think it's me being a baby- I just don't think my body can tolerate theses shots and it' s only getting worse. I'm not sleeping and find myself wide awake at different times in the night. I usually can deep breathe myself to sleep after about an hour. The "episodes' are still occurring in the afternoon but I know it's from the medication and not anything else. Then of course I think to myself- how could it be that this didn't work? It's almost unimaginable to me that it didn't. I really can't imagine a negative result but we all knew there was a chance of it. I'm just not ready for that.
DH is home thank God and he has been amazing. We argue now and then b/c he thinks it worked and I don't think it did. I may test tomorrow am before I go in just to prepare. I think I will call in sick tomorrow so I don't have to get the news at work.
Please God just give me good news..please, please, please. And if not please give me the strength to handle it.

Until tomorrow...

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