Every day I wake up and my heart gets a little lighter. To me, there is just nothing worse than a heavy heart. It is so, so painful. I still open my eyes in the morning and feel the pain and then I remind myself where the pain is coming from. I slunk downstairs hoping that the day ahead is not filled with as much inner turmoil as the previous day. I pray for clarity and understanding of what I/we are dealing with. I usually ask the Lord why he tasks me with such burdens and why is it that I can't want more than what my life has already given me. Then I remember what a short time we all have on this planet and really, is living it like this worth it?
Next, I usually get to the part where I feel so guilty that Squirt may be an only child. Will she be lonely? Will she wonder why we couldn't give her more? Of course, my mind then switches to the fact that I shouldn't be putting my guilt on her. I need to stop transferring my pain to her. I think of how I will tell her that we did everything possible to give her that brother or sister and it just wasn't in our cards. We were meant to be a family of three. Then comes the guilt and helplessness associated with all the money we spent- almost $17,000 on the adoption and $20,000 for the donor cycle. All for nothing. This is what kills me the most and makes me most anxious. Yes, we knew there were risks. The reason we went to adoption #2 was because it was 100% but who knew the agency was not going to do anything for us? We can't possibly have known that. We're not in debt, we have a beautiful home and good jobs and most everything we want but I just wish we had another baby to show for it.
I don't hold out much hope for the FET so I'm coming to terms now with it being the three of us. This by no means is a bad thing, it's just a change of thought process. I have been blessed beyond words with my daughter. She is the light of my life and my world. I get to be Mommy and even better I get to be her Mommy. Is it bad for me to just want more?
We have our follow up on Friday and I have some questions for him. I need them to be more aggressive and I need them to make this work for me. If it doesn't so it shall be I guess. I'd love one day to just wake up and be content with where my life is. I'm not there yet and it's a terrible feeling. Each day does get better though and that is surely encouraging.
d-
Pit Stop
14 years ago
7 comments:
Ugh, what a sad time, I KNOW! But please think differently about FETs. They succeed ALL THE TIME! You might wind up tossing a couple back in and get the surprise of your life - maybe too good a surprise! Wishing you healing warp speed :)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's difficult with each negative or cancelled cycle. I've been to where you are... Will I be happy childless? I just ended up hoping and praying to God that it wasn't His plan, but if it was, I was going to be OK, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but one day. I'm praying for peace for you all while you go into tomorrow and next week and the week after. I pray the dr has some answers why this cycle didn't work (although, it's all up to God once the transfer happens). I pray that this FET is going to be your cycle (I've read for many women who've had failed fresh cycles go on to have successful FET).
I'm glad that you are slowly healing with God's grace and that it does take time. It always helped me to look towards the future at the next cycle (but you might be different). I hope to read an update from you on Friday or whenever you feel like posting after you go to the dr.
Many hugs and prayers,
Jojobee
I can imagine how hard everyday is. How you want more but you are also so happy and grateful for what you do have. And all that money down the drain for nothing. It's just so much to deal with. I'm hoping the Re appiontment goes well and that you get some clarity and comfort.
I completely understand how things can feel bleak right now. And, no, I don't think it's bad that you want more.
Because you're not able to right now, I will hold out hope that the FET works and you will be able to find contentment sooner rather than later.
I completely understand where you're coming from. Drill your RE about the FET cycle, I think you'll feel better after your appointment.
I'm glad to see you're feeling a bit stronger...
Big giant ~hugs~
I'll be thinking of you on Friday! I'm hoping that each day, you come to find more happy days than sad days. Don't give up on expanding your family just yet!
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