Well, I have my follow up today with my RE. I have questions for him like immune issues, thaw rate, getting me off the horrid PIO and alternatives, why did this happen, how did this happen, is all hope lost, can this work, should I just give up now, how broken am I and how are you going to make this work for me? Poor guy has no idea what he is getting into. DH will be there with me and will of course, be the voice of reason. I am going into it with no expectations and maybe I'll leave there hopeful for the future. Imagine being hopeful again...
The past few days have found me actually returning to some sense of normalcy. Living and appreciating what I have and trying to push the angry thoughts out of my head. At times I think about what happened and it really knocks the wind out of me. I have always been so good at pulling up my boot straps and moving on to my next step. This one hasn't been like that for me. It really, really threw me for a loop and I hate it. I hate being irritable and emotional and just sad. It affects my family and Squirt so much.
I haven't spoken to my brother since everything happened. It all started b/c he sent me a nasty email about not calling first thing in the am for my nephews bday. Sorry, I had kind of a lot on my mind that day and he knew it. I did call early that morning but no one was home. I told him that and he answered back, "What's the matter with you? You'll just have to try again!" Pure ignorance. I told him he was insensitive and that he really, really hurt me. He said, "Don't you think that is a bit much?" Yeah, so he apologized but I am still not speaking to him. It's just too raw for me to forgive.
If nothing else this process has shown me how in love with my family I am especially my husband and daughter. She may very well end up being an only child but she'll never be "just" our only child. She'll be loved beyond words and when she grows up she'll know how hard we tried to give her a sibling. Knowing her, she won't care either way because she will have had a wonderful, fulfilling life.
I have held up on my promise to cook every night. As much as I find Rachel Ray annoying her recipes are fantastic. For some reason cooking and cleaning takes the edge off of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis. I guess it's a control thing and it makes me feel like I can do something good for my family.
To all you laides out there who are doing well and getting positive betas I truly am happy for you. My comments have been few and far between and I apologize. I'm just trying to get through the day. I am still reading and still praying for all of you.
The other day I started reading scripture on line hoping to get closer to God in an attempt to understand why all this happens. This wa sthe prayer for the day...
"Lord Jesus, may I never fail to recognize your love and mercy toward me. Fill my heart with gratitude and thanksgiving and free me from pride, discontentment, and ingratitude. Help me to count my blessings with gratefulness and to give thanks in all circumstances."
I thought it was perfect.
Until later-
d-
Pit Stop
14 years ago
6 comments:
Good luck with your appointment today - hope he can give you some good information. I'm sorry your brother seems to be rather clueless - it always helps to have someone like that during difficult times, doesn't it? [insert sarcastic tone of choice]
Take care of yourself, and enjoy your family.
Sending you good thoughts....
Oh D... My heart aches for you... I truly does, but I know that the best thing I can do is continue to pray for you. I am so glad that you've starting reading scripture again, there are so many versus that I've found that helped me through each cancelled cycle this past 1 1/2 years. It really does throw you for a loop, but you have to remember that we're not the ones in control, God is and His plan is the greatest plan for us.. Even though we may not feel that way at the time. I've learned so much about Him and have such a stronger relationship because I just decided the only thing I could do was just put all my hope and faith in Him, whatever that may be.... I'll continue to pray the same for you, that you continue to grow with Him and have faith and hope in His ultimate plan for you... Remember, God doesn't give us what we can't handle (although it may also seem like we can't handle what's going on, but we can, we can handle it with the help of Him...)
I am hoping for a good appt for you today. I'm sure the dr is used to getting drilled with questions...
Please continue to take care of yourself (and DO NOT apologize for not responding to our blogs...) and take whatever time you need to heal.
Many (((hugs))) and prayers,
Jojobee
I hope you get some answers today.
Good Luck.
I'm so glad you are feeling a little bit better - and I hope the doc has some good advice for your next steps! Your blog has really helped me even though I am sorry we had to go through these failed cycles. At least for me it helps to know I'm not the only one. And I am really happy for the people who have successful cycles, but sometimes I just can't comment on those.
Waiting to hear how the RE appt went!
musicmakermomma
http://musicmakermomma.livejournal.com
Do tell how it went with the RE. I hope you got a game plan you can feel good and confident about and put a smile back on your face. :)
D, I just hope you'll get some good answers today. I've been away for the better part of the week but I've been thinking about you. I don't think it's wrong for you to want more - I think it's normal. Praying for you.
Post a Comment